The anonymous blogger, Frau Luther, is frustrated with the way we (or perhaps just I, since I seem to be the one who throws the word around the most here) at SF talk about hospitality:
Like, there’s a LOT of trendy talk in those circles about “hospitality” and communal living and whatnot. Those who are outside traditional families are supposed to find some way to link up with this. Those inside them are supposed to somehow reach out and pull them in. This is allegedly the cure for loneliness. And as someone who is firmly ensconced in the very kind of traditional family they look towards, I have to say their understanding of what it’s like in here must be based on a 19th century novel or something, because it sounds nothing like my reality. Maybe it’s class-based (I strongly suspect this), as their visions seem to be filled with dinner parties and wine glass clinking and rich conversation over great books and fine liquor, and calendars full of ~social obligations~. Or something like that.
The idea that life in a family is not lonely is laughable. Think it through. Do you remember Betty Friedan? I spend most of my life in a static-space between utterly alone and never alone. I rarely have a soul to talk to and I can’t go to the bathroom for 5 minutes without someone interrupting. I’m not complaining, here, and I am not claiming that my status in the family constitutes oppression. I mean that the lot of the human being is loneliness, to some degree, and mutual incomprehensibility, and toil and weariness and weeping in hac lacrimarum valle. And life in a family isn’t all hobbit-like coziness and ale. It’s more of the same, with people you’re related to.
More:
What I get from these writings, what puts me SO on edge about them, is that these folks who completely romanticize family life want to come warm themselves by the hearth and have a glass of wine and let a child amuse them for an hour or two, and call this “being part of our community” or somesuch. They will go home reflecting, thoughtfully, and write an essay about the deep meaning of it all, and with some tinge of envy and tsking about how plain boring hausfraus don’t appreciate our fortune. And then I will clear the plates, load the dishwasher, switch the clothes into the dryer, treat someone’s cough, sit half a precious hour in the room until she sleeps again, mend the blanket, thaw the chicken, mix the filling for the lunch entree, put on the TV and try to read 30 minutes before I fall asleep, alone.
I may have something to say in response to this later, but for now, I thought I would just post (with her permission) an email my (single) friend Betsy Childs sent to me about Frau Luther’s rant:
I was fascinated by the “Frau Luther” post on family life, even though I don’t know who this woman is. Most interesting to me is that she doesn’t seem able to see beyond her own context. She is the mother of small children, her husband apparently has a night job, and she homeschools. Can there be a harder stage of family life than that (excluding single parenthood)?
Observing my friends with small children has taken the romanticism out of my idea of family life. Drudgery is not a bad word to describe it. But this period lasts for a very short time. How many grandparents would write a post like this?
As a student of family life from the outside, I’ve come to a conclusion that family life, as opposed to celibacy, is a life of high highs and low lows. The high is that you are loved by someone who has promised never to leave you. You are needed by children who are utterly dependent on you, and who return your smiles. The low is that you may lose those people to death, or they may at some point reject you.
The single life is more moderated and less risky. The high is that my will is never crossed. The low is that my will is never crossed. Another low is that I am lonely. But at least I don’t have another person who is directly responsible for my loneliness.
I do think that her point, though it could have been more charitably stated, is a needed corrective to the romanticizing of family life and hospitality by single people. We are invited into the highs—to Christmas dinner. We need to be reminded that the home is not always filled with such inviting aromas.
However disgusted with her quality of life Frau Luther may be, I suspect she will not stay that way. Perhaps when she can see beyond her own situation, she will be able to think more about how God may extend the gifts and fellowship of her family to others who won’t be quite as demanding as her little ones.
I found this insightful. Again, I may say more later, but that’s all for now. Thank you, Betsy.
Wesley Hill is an assistant professor of New Testament at Trinity School for Ministry in Ambridge, Pennsylvania. He is the author of Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality (Zondervan, 2010). He can be followed on Twitter: @WesleyHill.
Spiritual Friendship 
Man, she clearly has much higher housekeeping standards than I do.
But I don’t care if my family is just essay inspiration…anyone who will come into my messy house and play with my loud kids and eat what I fix without complaining is welcome to come. I know I need more Christian fellowship, but the thought of putting three different kids in clothes, shoes, and car seats while third trimester pregnant to go get some is exhausting. (And yes, I’m taking iron supplements.) So please come to my house! Mom/parent friends are great because we can talk about our similar struggles, but single people are WONDERFUL because they don’t have to worry about being home by bedtime and they can talk about OTHER things that are just as interesting and important as my struggles with my strong-willed child. And most of the ones I know are glad to hold a baby so I can grab a few minutes of self-care. Or they’ll tremendously bless me by loading the dishwasher…without commenting on the three days worth of dishes in the sink.
After all, our family’s fire is Jesus, right? It’s not the magic of being able to marry and conceive, it’s just a part of the body of Jesus. We all just have different parts of him to share, and I will gladly share my dear, exhausting and messy part with you especially if you share your, like Betsy said probably more predictable and ordered, life with me.
I live in Alabama if you’re interested.
I think that Frau Luther — do I hear a horse neighing, by the way? — is right about the challenges of family life, in a way which Betsy’s response might not quite give credit to. The period with small children “lasts for a very short time”? Is 20 years a short time? That’s how long many of us have children under 4. The challenge of family life, for me, is turning this period of my children’s youth into something rich and profound. It doesn’t happen of its own accord, that’s for sure!
But there are moments of brilliance. I just sat with two of my children (a 6-year-old and an 8-year-old) for 30 minutes today, as they learned Latin with me. Totally awesome.
I don’t think that Luther has a clear sense of what you’ve been saying, though, Wesley. (I love the hostorical/theological resonances of that last sentence!). When people are lonely, at the very least, they need family. They need places of warmth. It is infuriating how Luther denigrates your experience of walking into families and spending a couple hours with them. To me, that’s REAL family life. My family is richest when we have young single people visiting. It’s poor when it’s just the seven of us.
Of course, loneliness is possible anywhere. I would hazard *most* married couples are lonely, because they’re not honest enough with each other. But it’s hard NOT to be lonely when people don’t want you in their homes. Sheesh!
I’m sorry, I just have to know, what on earth is the horse reference about?
Since we’ve closed down comments on this thread, Daniel won’t be able to respond to your question. But I think his reference is to Frau Blucher, from Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdIID_TGwhM
It’s a running joke that whenever her name was said, you hear the sound of horses neighing in the distance.
…”What I get from these writings, what puts me SO on edge about them, is that these folks who completely romanticize family life want to come warm themselves by the hearth and have a glass of wine and let a child amuse them for an hour or two, and call this “being part of our community” or somesuch”
I, frankly, don’t get her point at all. OK, she doesn’t want us in her house because its more work for her. That’s fair. I certainly don’t want to be a bother to her and don’t even know her.
And, yes we romanticize what life in a family would be like and it sounds like she romanticizes what life without a family would be like. (I’ve had both and would rather have the family)
But what exactly is her point? If she doesn’t want people to sit by her fire and drink a glass of wine – that’s cool. If she resents them because they will leave with a romanticized version of what her home is like – no problem. The simple solution is just don’t invite them.
Frankly, if I were her husband and read that entry I think I might be a tad worried. Her characterization of what we are looking for in human connections sounds a little bit more like her own vision of what married/family life was supposed to be like rather than anything I’ve seen on this blog. She seems frustrated. She sounds rather like she is imagining how wonderful it would be to be single and childless and drop in on your married friends for an hour or two and then head off to the blessed peace of a quiet apartment where she could get a real night’s sleep. Actually she sounds like a strong introvert who isn’t getting any time to herself to recharge. Frankly, I think her husband needs to find a way to help her get a break now and then to pamper herself and maybe get a chance to sit by the fire at a single friend’s house with a glass of wine for an hour or two.
so maybe instead of complaining about how single people romanticize family life, it would be a good idea for her to make a single friends who would be happy to watch the kids for an evening while she gets a night out now and then (and, yeah, the price might have to be that she lets that single friend sit by her fire with a glass of wine and be entertained by her kids once in a while).
I can appreciate the struggle of my married friends (well I can presume to appreciate it) and can accept the fact that I don’t fully see or understand their struggle. But might it be that the problems of the single and the problems of the family are linked? Just as honesty and openness might cause us to seek community in a family with whom we can enjoy fellowship might not they be honest about their struggles and allow us to help?
What singles often long for is not only that focused, intense time of fellowship but also those quiet moments in which you simply enjoy the company of others without words, without boundaries. Why can’t this include the hectic times of getting children ready for bed, prepping for the next day or taking care of someone who is ill. Maybe not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimacy and transparency afraid that the other person won’t be able to handle it or see “too much.” But is this not the type of fellowship we all long for and were made to find in our brothers and sisters in the Lord, in the church?
I’m probably being idealistic and assuming too much of others. Nevertheless, I believe there is a better balance there to be struck, placing the burden on each of us to be both honest about our own needs and to help others in their needs.
I can appreciate the struggle of my married friends (well I can presume to appreciate it) and can accept the fact that I don’t fully see or understand their struggle. But might it be that the problems of the single and the problems of the family are linked? Just as honesty and openness might cause us to seek community in a family with whom we can enjoy fellowship might not they be honest about their struggles and allow us to help?
What singles often long for is not only that focused, intense time of fellowship but also those quiet moments in which you simply enjoy the company of others without words, without boundaries. Why can’t this include the hectic times of getting children ready for bed, prepping for the next day or taking care of someone who is ill. Maybe not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimacy and transparency afraid that the other person won’t be able to handle it or see “too much.” But is this not the type of fellowship we all long for and were made to find in our brothers and sisters in the Lord, in the church?
I’m probably being idealistic and assuming too much of others. Nevertheless, I believe there is a better balance there to be struck, placing the burden on each of us to be both honest about our own needs and to help others in their needs.
Wow. Frau’s response leaves me nearly speechless. I am a married woman with a disabled 18 year old daughter. Our home has always been open because we couldn’t access many homes on the East Coast. Our “family” has always been the Body of Christ. The three of us have had many difficult years and if it weren’t for our single brothers and sisters and younger couples with no children, we would not be intact today.
As described above it is living life together, whether through the daily drudgery or a glass of wine by the messy coffee table. Presence is what all of us who are lonely crave. Whether a single woman helped me with my daughter’s birthday party or played the violin for her after painful surgery when she was 9 when these amazing men and women will drop what they are doing to help any of us- that is a taste of heaven. THAT is what I hear when I read this blog. Thank you all.
That’s beautiful Lynn! It’s all about enjoying, or sometimes dreading, the messiness of life together. That’r real friendship and indeed a little taste of Heaven! Blessings to you and your family 🙂
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If you create of build a culture based on the presumption of “sin” or that human beings are separate from the Living Divine Reality, the World Process altogether, and from each other then you will inevitably create a “culture” which is saturated with “sin” or the logic of separateness.
Which is to say that you inevitably transform the World Process, and engineer human beings in the image/likeness of your presumptions about what we are as human beings and what the World Process is.
A “culture” in which everything and everyone is fragmented or “living” the logic of separateness.
Eleanor Rigby – “All the lonely people, where do they come from?”
A “culture” as described in Bowling Alone, and prophesized by Phillip Slater in his book The Pursuit of Loneliness.
A “culture” of Little Boxes made Out of Ticky-Tacky (Malvina Reynolds)
A “culture” deliberately engineered by the Captains of Consciousness (Stuart Ewen)
A “culture” created in the image of TV in which we are all quite literally Amusing Ourselves To Death (Neil Postman) – even via our self-serving religiosity.
Humpty Dumpty in fragments on the ground!
And we all know that beginning with the presumption/logic of separation/fragmentation that all the kings horses and all the kings men can never ever put Humpty Dumpty back together against
I grew up in a family of 15 kids where a wine glass would not have survived 5 minutes without “clinking” into many pieces on the floor. My parents, as we’ve gotten older, often take in “strays” (usually older teenagers with difficult home situations) who live at the house (or are over every day) for a few months at a time. Our family life is messy and difficult, and my mom has many of the same complaints about her life as Frau Luther does. But we are still blessed by the presence of people who aren’t family members and, I think, by providing a messy place to be loved, can bless them. We have our thoughtful conversations about great books or whatnot after the younger kids are in bed (which takes some effort!) and usually everyone pitches in with the chores (some of our single friends are better at this than others.)
My wife & I have a different take: we’ve rented a room in our house since our first year of marriage; one of those renters has been with us for 2.5 years and has walked with us through the joys & trials of having a baby who is now a very rambunctious toddler. We still have other couples & singles over quite a bit in the more “idealized” fashion that Frau Luther tries to demythologize, and when we put the baby to bed those times of sipping liquor are still good. We probably won’t have as many as our children get older, but that will be a different season.
In short: the vision for friendship and community among families & singles you’ve put forth here on SF is based on your experiences, and it’s great. More importantly, that vision is quite adaptable to circumstances if people are willing to be charitable, self-sacrificial, and open with one another.
My wife — an oft-exhausted yet indefatigable mother of five — mentions that Frau Luther was probably exhausted when writing that blog post, and we really shouldn’t gang up on her, especially considering she seems to be a fan of this blog.
Just sayin.
Thanks for pointing this out. It should have been self-evident that a singular exasperated post on someone’s obscure blog is typically about their personal situation, not a carefully composed statement on the structure of society. But I guess in this case, it needed to be spelled out for people. Anyhow, I hope they got what they needed out of this “discussion.”
Here is my .02, as a woman raised Charismatic and recently come to the overwhelming hospitality that is the Reformed church (CREC). I have had little babies for nineteen years. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 18 mo. We homeschool. I am very much an introvert. There is a lot of idyllic scenes in this lifestyle. I love my single friends, and my also family-ed friends. But i do wish my house were clean when friends drop in, even though i try not to let on. I’d rather have them in than try to get everyone into the car and go somewhere and find the baby’s sick and three people couldn’t find socks. It’s really hard to converse at my house, though. I am trying to teach my children about making way, sonically, for our visitors, but it is slow work, and repeated roughly every two years. I love community, and our church. But my parents recently divorced after almost forty years of acrimony, and to be honest, loving someone who isn’t my husband of a child of mine feels incredibly risky. I tear off the scab deliberately, because this is the One Thing Jesus asks me to do – but it is scary. What if i love you and you let me down? What if i love you and i let *you* down? I guess my long post just means, we are all imperfect, even if we can fake it. Community blesses the heart of God, pleases Him, and is soul growing. It’s worth it!
I find it sad that a fellow Christian would say this about other Christians. What edifying purpose does this have? I am tired of the “my pain is worse than your pain” competitiveness that seems to come up at times with straight Christians’ commentary on celibate gays. I wonder what that is about? A general aversion to gay people such that one is unable to empathize? She sounds like a very stressed out person whose personality type is perhaps not suitable for having so many children. My sister has 5 children and she has had her difficult moments, but her family life is all she ever dreamed of growing up and what makes her world go around.
She really doesn’t understand what S.F is about. That is fairly evident from her perceived understanding of what we think of family life. If she spent her life living alone with no children or partner for a decade or two, she might understand better that all we want is something as simple as having someone sitting in the same room in the evenings.
The fact is we all find different life circumstances difficult for different reasons–based on personality type, the resources we have in our lives, etc. What I get from her post is a reminder that we all need more compassion for each other, and not this piling on of more burdens for people already burdened by lacking empathy.
Frau Luther, I find your post to be cold and not in the Spirit of Christ. But I understand that things seem pretty stressful for you and you are speaking out of that place of stress. If I knew you in real life, I would be happy to watch your kids for a night so you could go on a date with your husband or just go out for some much needed solitude. I would be happy to be a friend and listen to your frustrations–even if it meant being interrupted. I think it was a good 20 years before I ever had a conversation with my sister that was not interrupted every 5 minutes and felt rather ADD! But we just went with the flow.
‘I am tired of the “my pain is worse than your pain” competitiveness that seems to come up at times with straight Christians’ commentary on celibate gays. I wonder what that is about?’
I think a more charitable interpretation is “My pain is as bad as your pain.” Envy begets envy. Surely it is delicate balance that a celibate strikes between merely admiring the goodness of family life and coveting it. The same applies to a married person looking at single life.
“She sounds like a very stressed out person whose personality type is perhaps not suitable for having so many children.”
What does this matter? Suppose she made a bad decision to end up in this situation. Does that mean we have a right to publicly criticize her life decisions? I can understand that people feel hurt by what she wrote. But in that case, we should turn the other cheek, no?
Moreover, for many Catholics and some other Christians, having lots of children is not exactly a choice. My wife and I have five, in our nine years of marriage. In order to have even that few, we’ve spent large portions of our marriage abstinent.
When a Christian sees another Christian suffering, it does not matter if that suffering was brought on by her own choices. The response should always be love.
Daniel–you misinterpreted my statement. I was not criticizing her for having multiple children. I realize that having a normal sex life within marriage makes the question of number of children somewhat unpredictable especially if using natural family planning. Rather I was simply musing out loud as to why she might be experiencing so much stress and apparent unhappiness about her life compared to other people like my sister, who despite being tired, would never characterize her own family life like this. The difference between my sister and Frau Luther I think could simply be one of temperament. That is not a judgment. Just simply acknowledging the reality that motherhood will be more difficult for some women than other women. Just as singleness will be more difficult for some people than others. That is why I said, “The fact is we all find different life circumstances difficult for different reasons–based on personality type, the resources we have in our lives, etc.”
Thanks but a definite no thanks, there, Karen. I hope you’re not holding up your response to me as a model of warmth and the “Spirit of Christ.” Just because you use a lower tone of voice does not make the sentiment–that I am some kind of terrible mother and thoughtless breeder who had too many kids for my own good–any more kind or appropriate. Or accurate.
If you had actually wanted to talk with me about my views, you know, maybe get an idea of how they look fleshed out and not in a short rant during a busy moment, we could have done that. But since you’ve already accused me of loathing gays and being an unfit mother, sorry not sorry, we can never be friends.
Wesley, I have an ask box on Tumblr. If you wanted to talk to me, you could do so. Actually because I follow your Tumblr, you could have sent a private “fan mail” to open up dialogue.
Instead you decided you needed to make an example of me and bring on the gang to attack me, some literal nobody stay at home mom living at 130% of the Federal Poverty Level, with your lofty public platform, while I was having a low and frustrated moment in the middle of a prolonged and messy family illness.
I’m really not sure why on earth you and Betsy care so much about the offhand thoughts of some literal nobody in a corner of the internet that is very easy to avoid entirely. And why you took the time to dialogue back and forth privately with each other, but did not seek me out for clarification and further dialogue before going the public humiliation route. I’d love it if you would enlighten me about that, thanks. Because you and your crew sure have a lot to say about the correct way to do “Christian love and charity.” Is this how you think that’s done?
Thank you all for your comments. I decided to link to Frau Luther’s post in my original post because I thought her “realism” raised an issue (namely, the tendency among some single people to idealize family life) that we at SF need constantly to be thinking about. But now, in light of the ensuing discussion, I am wondering if there was a better way to go about raising those issues for reflection.
I regret the painful turn this comment thread has taken, and I will do my best in future posts not to speculate about anyone’s motives or psychological states when I attempt to engage their stated ideas and positions.
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