The Gift of Celibacy

[This is the second in a series of three posts on celibacy. The first was What Does Genesis 2:18 Really Teach?]

I’m frustrated with a lot of the way many Christians talk about “the gift of celibacy.” There are some unbiblical ideas that often creep in, and I think we’re missing some big pastoral issues. Given that I’m bisexual rather than gay and still pretty young, I’m not talking so much about my own experience as that of others (both gay and straight) whose experience is being ignored.

I don’t see how “the gift of celibacy” entails not dealing with sexual temptation or with loneliness. Paul never says that in 1 Corinthians 7 – he just says that he can maintain self-control, which is not at all the same thing. We recognize that being given the gift of marriage doesn’t make everything easy. Marriage comes with a lot of difficulties, and there’s a lot of focus on how to help married people deal with them. When celibacy comes with difficulties, it often seems our only focus is on getting people married. Few people seem to take seriously the idea that someone with a healthy sex drive could be called to celibacy. Our surrounding culture is deeply opposed to celibacy, and many Christians tacitly or explicitly agree with this attitude. In Protestantism, some of these attitudes stem back to the Reformation, despite the Bible’s clear teaching that celibacy is a higher calling than marriage. (This is not to say that all Protestants dismiss the Bible’s teaching on celibacy. For example, John Stott was himself celibate for his entire life but was a respected leader. However, anti-celibacy attitudes are common within Protestant culture.)

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Spiritual Friendship on Social Media

Posted by Ron Belgau

We’ve now added a Spiritual Friendship Facebook page, a Twitter account (and even a Google+ page!) for those of you who prefer to interact on those platforms. At the moment, we’re just sharing links to Spiritual Friendship blog posts through those accounts, but will be exploring more creative ways of using them as we move forward. If you have any suggestions for how to make use of these platforms, please let us know!

On Coming Out

Posted by Jeremy Erickson

In my experience, the best predictor of emotional health for an LGBT person is generally how many people he or she has come out to. This effect is most dramatic between someone who is completely closeted and someone who is out to a few friends. To make sure it’s clear what I mean, to “come out,” short for “come out of the closet,” is simply to disclose one’s romantic or sexual feelings, regardless of one’s behavior or convictions. If a person is “closeted,” his or her sexuality is a secret, and if he or she is “out,” it has been disclosed. Neither term is all-encompassing; it is common to be out in some contexts but closeted in others.

Most of us are initially closeted as a result of fear. We are afraid that people might shun us if they knew about our sexuality. Those of us who are Christians often fear that we will be judged not to be if we come out. Our fear is often rational – I know people who have lost positions of leadership or employment upon coming out, and some have lost friends or been disowned by family. However, I think the risk is also overblown for a lot of us – I haven’t really faced any of these negative reactions myself. Nonetheless, rational or not, the fear is extremely real. I think of my own experience. Long before I actually came out to anyone, I had the sense that I needed to do so. Around the fall of 2004, I finally decided that I wasn’t going to take my secret to the grave. However, I didn’t actually build up the courage to share until the summer of 2005, after my brother initiated a deep conversation about some other things. Even once I decided the time was right, it took about half an hour to get the words out of my mouth. Coming out the next few times remained similarly difficult, although it has slowly become easier with time and practice.

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Day of Silence 2013

Posted by Jeremy Erickson

When discussing anti-bullying initiatives, many Christians are quite concerned about parents who have to deal with school curricula discussing LGBT issues by talking to their kids about these issues earlier than they’d like. Why are they so often not as concerned about parents who have to bury their middle and high school kids knowing that they killed themselves because they couldn’t handle the pain of what they were going through? Although it’s hard to collect accurate statistics, the best research we have pretty consistently shows that around one in three LGBT teenagers goes so far as to attempt suicide. We have a very real problem on our hands, one that is killing people. While no doubt bullying is not the only cause of suicide attempts by LGBT people, it is often a huge contributing factor. As Christians, we have a responsibility to consider more than just sexual ethics, and to have compassion for “the least of these” who face mistreatment and whose lives are at risk.

Of course, nearly all Christians believe that bullying is wrong, whether related to sexuality or not. However, I think we often fail to understand some important realities regarding anti-gay bullying in particular. For example, it is important to consider the broader social and cultural environments that bullying takes place within. Far too often Christians provide condemnation without grace when it comes to LGBT issues. Even in broader environments, LGBT teenagers are frequently told that they’re disgusting perverts. They may not be told so to their face, but the message is pervasive enough that it can lead to a lot of internalized shame. I definitely faced this to some degree growing up in a conservative Christian environment and finding myself attracted to both sexes, even though I wasn’t sexually active and held to a traditional sexual ethic. Many LGBT teens are hit much harder than I was. LGBT teens often feel that they are so worthless that bullying towards them doesn’t matter, and generic opposition to bullying rings hollow. I strongly encourage people to read a powerful memoir expressing this, written by a woman who is now a Christian with a conservative understanding of sexual ethics, at My Day of Silence 2009 Post, A Year and A Month Late. She describes how it seemed that everyone hated gay people, and as a result she was “drowning in a sea of hate.” She then goes on to say that it would have been helpful to know that someone thought what was happening was wrong. Let the weight of that sink in.

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Wesley Hill: why am I here?

Posted by Wesley Hill

Greetings, folks. My name is Wes, and along with Ron, I’m one of the guys who helped start this blog. Here’s a bit about me and why I’m here. Currently, I’m trying to finish up a PhD in New Testament studies at Durham University (UK); I’m writing on Paul’s epistles and the doctrine of the Trinity. I’m also in the initial stages of pursuing ordination in the Anglican Church in North America. On a more personal note, I happen to be gay and celibate. My book Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality tells a bit of the story of my faith and sexuality and how I came to think of celibacy as my vocation, and I won’t rehash all of that here. Suffice it to say, in light of my earlier reflections on Christian faith and gay experience, my primary interest these days has to do with the “So now what?” question. If I’m signed up to the church’s historic teaching on marriage and celibacy, what does it look like to try to make that teaching beautiful in the life I’m now living?

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Ron Belgau: why am I here?

Posted by Ron Belgau

First, who am I?

I am a Catholic graduate student in Philosophy at Saint Louis University. Before grad school, from the end of my teens to my mid twenties, I worked as a programmer at Microsoft. Now, I teach medical ethics and philosophy of the human person, and am working on a dissertation looking at how recent discoveries in artificial intelligence and neuroscience should shape our understanding of the mind-body relation.

I’m also gay and celibate.

For the last decade and a half, I’ve been trying to articulate Christian teaching on human sexuality (particularly homosexuality) more clearly, and to bring a more respectful, Christ-like attitude to an often-hostile discussion. Along the way, I’ve asked myself a lot of questions about what it means to be gay and Christian. I’ve also spent a lot of time talking to gays and lesbians, to ex-gays, to confused college students, to concerned parents, and to anyone else who is interested in the issue and wants to learn more.

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